There are a few cinematic adventures that come to mind when one thinks of the typical college-frat party movie, chief among them Animal House, Van Wilder, Old School, and the seminal classic: Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj. But in 2008 there was released a movie so epic, so mind-boggling awesome, with so much male/female nudity that the Catholic Church collapsed on itself, that I feel compelled to blog about this great cinematic achievement.
College is the heart warming tale of three high school bros trying to get drunk, high, and laid. The lead is Kevin, played by the Oscar winner Drake Bell, as a high school senior who has recently been dumped by his girlfriend for being too boring. And he is, in fact I had to drink a 6 pack of Smirnoff Ice just to get through the first few minutes of his performance. But in a chance to alleviate his status as a boring douche, he and his two hilariously mismatched friends go to freshman orientation weekend at Fieldmont University. Best friends Carter (The fat kid- Jonah Hill wannabe) and Morris (the skinny dork- McLovin ripoff) jump in a station wagon and head off to college with apparently no game plan and just the notion that they’re going to get laid. Just like Superbad, the fat kid and the skinny kid fill their roles as “fat douche bag who wants pussy but can’t because he’s too fat” and “loser with glasses who surprisingly hooks up with a hot chick”, while Kevin eye-fucks a blonde sorority chick and knows that he’s in. Prowling around campus aimlessly, the three musketeers come across the coolest frat on campus and some brahs who attempt to recruit the “frosh” so that they will clean their frat house.
Once in the frat house we meet the most diverse group of privileged young drunk white men to ever attend college. Frat president Teague (coolest name over) and social chairman Bearcat (Actually a cool name) set the boys on a wild ride of parties, blow jobs, body shots off of Bearcat, and huffing paint thinner. Somewhere along the way there’s a plot, but I was distracted by the full frontal nudity and since I had to keep drinking to make the Teague's performance bearable I don’t remember exactly how it ended. Needless to say I’m sure the three boys made a hilarious plan to get back at the mean frat bros and in the end pick up the hot chicks by proving that they’re sentimental and care about their feelings.
Yes I wasted 67 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back, but College, like all great frat pack movies reminded me of something… that college is a time of debauchery, partying and uninhibited sexual encounters. And I miss college.
Stars: .75/5
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